Anxiety in Light of Christ

I’m sure I’ve mentioned my struggle with anxiety and/or depression on this blog before.  The depression has launched a couple of major campaigns against my sanity in both high school and college, and we’ve had several skirmishes in between. Anxiety has been my constant companion since earlier on, I just didn’t have a word for it until a couple of years ago.
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When God Plans Your Pregnancy

img_5984editedWhere to begin?

In July, two tiny lines on a home pregnancy test took us completely by surprise. It was earth-shattering news to us – nothing was ever going to be the same again. How was this going to work with my husband working as a waiter and myself as a receptionist? What about our five year plan of frugal adventures in the plane my husband is building? How’s he going to even finish his plane? We’ve only been married a year and a half, why can’t I have my husband to myself for a while longer? Lord, what are You thinking? And how the heck did this even happen? (Yes, I know this is a humorous question on some level, but really… how is there suddenly a tiny human inside me when it seemed we had made certain we would wait a while?)

Wow. Breathe. Then the guilt hits. So many couples are in anguish because their pregnancy test came back negative for the umpteenth time. There’s a new life in me and I should be excited. And it’s not at all that I don’t want the baby. I just… now? Really? Like this? With our finances as they are? We didn’t plan this… but God did.

I share my original gut wrench because I want to be honest. It isn’t easy when you’re thinking that life will go along one line, and God switches tracks on you. I know that can also be said of so many less exciting, less positive changes – please don’t misunderstand me. It’s not a “poor me, I didn’t get my way” post. I just haven’t seen a lot in the way of Christian encouragement in this area.

I mean, biblical Christianity is pro-life. We’re supposed to be excited about new life, or at the very least have a welcoming attitude toward Baby. My friends on Facebook seem overjoyed to announce their pregnancies with adorable photo shoots. “Children are a blessing from the Lord” is the mantra. And not feeling that truth as well as knowing it in the moment makes you feel like you’ve betrayed God’s values, even if your thoughts haven’t gone any further than “this was so not my idea.” It feels like it’s not acceptable to be honest.

But here’s what the Lord has shown me over the past few months:

  1. Feelings are real in experience, but they don’t reflect the truth. I didn’t feel like our child was a blessing from the Lord, but I knew that to be the truth. I felt like God had unfairly taken control of my life, but I knew the truth is that a) I have often prayed for God to have His way in my life in spite of me and b) I’ve never been in control anyway. Gut reactions are what they are, for better or worse. Have grace for yourself, seek God’s forgiveness. But how I respond going forward is a choice I have to make in God’s strength. Claiming the truth in my prayer life, even though I don’t feel it, is vitally important to my relationship with God.
  2. It’s okay to take your time. In fact, these things take time – a whole nine months. The Lord continues to work in my heart. Additionally, we decided not to share the news of our pregnancy with anyone apart from immediate family for the first 12 weeks because we needed a period to process the news ourselves.
  3. Seek solid, Christian counsel. My husband was able to talk to our pastor early on, who was extremely encouraging. I shared with a couple of prayer warriors in my life, who proceeded to lift us up during those first weeks when it seemed like everything was spinning out of control. We didn’t have to do it on our own. God provided tremendous support in the way of family and friends.
  4. God provides, every time. It’s something to be counted on, in spite of immediate circumstances. Somehow, in His divine wisdom, things come together when they ought to, how they ought to. I can’t make them happen by worrying or trying harder. I can only be faithful in the moment and trust Him. Since July, we’ve been blessed with a fantastic job for my husband, as well as a temporary living situation near his new workplace at no cost to us. How’d it happen? Through no power of our own, let me tell you.

All this to say, if you find yourself in a similar situation, know this: you didn’t plan your baby, but God did. Seriously, you didn’t screw something up. The Almighty Father chose you, chose your child, and chose now. It may not feel like it this instant, but there is great comfort in that and it’s going to be okay. And continuing in the vein of honesty, I’m not on the “okay” side yet. I haven’t had my baby. I have no idea how this parenting stuff is supposed to work. I can’t do much “looking back” just now. My husband and I are in the midst of it. But God is faithful – to forgive, to provide, and when I am not. I know I’ll still be able to say that ten years from now, however many kiddos happen in the meanwhile.

And to our child – you who have taken to kicking and wiggling to make yourself known, who we have not yet met, but thank God for daily. Dear One, you have been loved since before we knew you were conceived, by the One who chose you, chose us, and chose now. You are wanted, and you will be welcomed into our home when at last you arrive. You are part of an amazing call from God for us to live beyond ourselves – just the first of many ways in which He will use you. The truth is, you’re a treasure. And we cannot wait to meet you.

Marriage Advice from a N00b

You’ll have to take what I say with a grain of salt–today is our first year anniversary and we’re currently recovering from a delightful, overly-indulgent dinner. I’m a little nostalgic (“Ooh, this time last year I was waking up at 4am, horribly sick…and by this time we were taking pictures on the lake with -15 windchill!”) and waxing loquacious on my very full stomach (I don’t know what TGIF puts in its mashed potatoes, but they are good).

I’ve heard a lot of people say that the first year is the hardest–expectations are high and a lot of adjustments need to be made. For us, I have no idea what the future years hold, but if this is the hardest then we’re awful spoiled.

I will say, however, that I see other people a bit like mirrors. I learn a lot about myself, and the closer I get to another person the more zits I see on my face. Metaphorically speaking. And now that I’m married, more than ever my “coverup” doesn’t seem to cut it. It’s good. And I hate it sometimes. God has been very good to use my husband to both bring out and balance out my shortcomings. (And my husband has been very good to forgive and love me in spite of myself.)

And the advice from this married newbie: take care of each other first, and also take care of yourself. When life is crazy busy, having your spouse set up the coffee machine after you go to bed or lay out your work clothes for you says “I love you” in a practical way that brief interactions cannot. As for the second piece of advice… well, my mantra has become “I am not upset, I am hungry.” And it’s my responsibility to keep myself out of the danger zone. I’ll leave it at that.

I love the verse in Ecclesiastes 4 that talks about how it’s better to have a partner in life, because then if one falls the other can help him up. Thanks for helping me along, Matt. It’s been a great first year.

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Internet Nostalgia & Dating

11797756_1Once upon a time, I was a young teenager and had a different blog on Xanga. Since then, the contents of that website have been archived as the host site goes through a major overhaul. While I can’t say I’m sorry the posts are no longer publicly accessible (word of advice: don’t publish your teen angst), I did decide to track down a post that had been featured on Xanga’s sister site, Datingish.

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Pulling the Trigger

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A few weeks ago I watched a comedic clip in which an inspector makes absurd speculations regarding crime scenes, engaging in faulty logic that makes perfect sense to her. (“It’s going to be a nightmare to identify the bodies… no heads, no fingerprints.” “I would have thought that would have made it easier… think about it, how many people in London do you know without heads or fingerprints?”) Routinely, her dutiful assistant Whitaker–though baffled by the inspector’s thought process and not entirely convinced of it–attempts to follow her line of reasoning without contradicting her. Continue Reading